Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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