saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
