No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
