i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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