YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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