took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
