Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
