I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
