the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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