your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize