remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
