Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
