the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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