I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
there was a trapeze. enough said
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
