She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
