just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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