don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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