I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
