I will die if light touches me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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