I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
