Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
