Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
