I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
