I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
