I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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