YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
