My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
