Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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