somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The best revenge is premature balding
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize