I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
