It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize