This is not my ceiling
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
