She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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