ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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