every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
