Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
