If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
