I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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