How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
