Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
