I'm lost and stupid without you.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
