my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
