Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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