Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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