Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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