Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
