By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
