I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize