I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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