She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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