Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
