drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
