new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
