if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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