Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
