I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We were destined to go to rehab together
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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